Area man defends what he imagines the Constitution to be

THIS SATIRE from The Onion is even more resonant today than when it was first published a few years ago:

Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

“Our very way of life is under siege,” said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. “It’s time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are.”

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left “traitors” to strip it of its religious foundation.



  1. Damon Brubaker

    Whoever wrote this article needs to get in the line. The one that leads to eternal damnation. Attacking a Man for defending what Our forefathers, and Mine as well, fought for all of a sudden in Your libereral Communist Left Wing Democrat eyes is just Wrong.

  2. dogrescuer

    Wow! So many capital letters!

  3. Except according to Jefferson & Washington, & Madison & . . . this nation is not founded on christian values. That is just a deluded wish promoted by reality-deniers on Faux

  4. Milton Waddams

    You guys realize this is an article from a comedy site, right? Bet you think Stephen Colbert means everything he says, too.

  5. shawnnews

    The purpose of this article is to lampoon people who think the constitution is about Christian values. It’s not a religious document. It doesn’t mention God or Christ. The constitution sets up our branches of government, lists their powers and sets up the frame work for how the country will be governed. There’s no religion in it. I went to the God and country indoctrination programs too — but nowhere in church or scouts did they lead us to believe that the country was all about us or that we were some Christian nation. That is merely a useful tactic the Republican Party uses to get religious votes and to vilify the Democrats. I think it’s something people fall for if they want to feel like they are special and others are outside of their club — not Christian enough, not American enough.

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