City legal beagle writes gobbldeygook news release. Patrick, try English!

October 22nd, 2009 at 04:08pm Chuck Sweeny

Here’s a news release Rockford Legal Director Patrick Hayes just sent out. It’s written in a language I’m calling “Purple Hayes”:

ROCKFORD – October 22, 2009 – The Rockford Police Department announced the
withdrawal of electronic control devices from daily use by the department effective
on the commencement of today’s afternoon shift at 4:00 p.m. The announcement was
in response to the supplier’s revised warnings, which modified the preferred target
area. The notice was received Wednesday afternoon, and the City took action today
following internal meetings on the content of the bulletin.

The modified warnings will require extensive review and potentially revision of
policies and training if the device is to be re-deployed. The police department will
continue its review of the bulletin, but in the interim determined the best course of
action was to withdraw the units from daily use.

Now, here it is in Chuckster’s English: Rockford Police will stop using Tasers at 4 p.m. today because the manufacturer advised police agencies not to aim the 50,000 volt weapons at people’s chests. Taser officials said Wednesday there’s a low risk of what they called an “adverse cardiac event” when people are hit in the chest.

The RPD will study whether to change the target area or whether to even use Tasers again.

See, Patrick, that wasn’t difficult, was it?

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